The Y-files
Copyright© by Rick Yost

(Announcer: “We now join our program already in progress.”)

The scene is a warm night in a dark alley on the dangerous side of town. FBI agents Mildew and Skanky were nearing the end of an episode-long search for the alien that had been terrorizing the city. As they cautiously walked deep into the alley, their flashlights cutting through the darkness, agent Skanky’s cell phone rang. She answered in a whisper,
“Skanky here.” She continued in-step behind her partner into the abyss as she spoke, “Oh, hello boss. Where am I? Agent Mildew and I are walking down a dark alley. We’re looking for whatever has been slobbering all over people for most of tonight’s show.”
The determined and edgy agent Mildew walked ahead carefully searching for his prey. He suddenly stopped and raised his hand signaling to Skanky that he had either seen something, heard something, or was just trying to remember his lines. He said in a low voice,
“It’s in here somewhere Skanky, I think we’re about to end this.”
Skanky curtly replied, “Well of course we are stupid, the show’s almost over.”
She returned to the phone call, “What’s that? What am I doing? I’ve been asking myself that same thing for years now. You know, I worked long and hard to become a Doctor! By now I should have my own practice, with a staff, and a cool office in a nice downtown high-rise. I could be holding some cute guy’s testicles in my hands right now, asking him to turn his head and cough- but nooo! I’m waving a freakin’ flashlight around in the dark, watching this idiot partner of mine get his ‘ya-ya’s’ out looking for little green men.”
Suddenly, from the shadows appeared a seven-foot-tall, slime-covered, green blob-like monster. With one swift move it scooped Skanky up in its three-foot-wide, shovel-like tongue, pulled her into its five-foot-wide mouth and attempted to swallow her whole.
“Mildew!” She screamed.
Mildew turned to see his partner’s head and shoulders protruding from the creature’s lips. The monster, which apparently had no eyes, casually leaned back against the wall and rolled Skanky’s body around in its mouth like a kid with a jawbreaker.
Mildew pulled out his weapon and fired four rounds into the belly of the creature with no effect except Skanky yelled at him, “Mildew, what the hell are you trying to do- kill me? I’m inside here!” She seemed more irritated than frightened or in pain.
“Well,” a confused Mildew said, “what do you want me to do? You’re being eaten alive!” He had his usual male angst, confusion mixed with sensitivity look on his face.
“Oh come on Mildew!” She said like an adult talking down to a child. “If this creature were really from another world, would it come all this way just to stand in this alley and munch on me? There has to be a logical explanation for what’s happening here.” As she spoke she tried her best to pry herself from the slimy lips of the monster.
Mildew now stood in front of Skanky and the monster. With his best incredulous look he said, “Well aren’t you in pain? Isn’t this thing grinding your bones?”
Skanky stopped struggling, brushed her bangs from her eyes, glanced at the camera, then gave Mildew a disgusted look and said, “No it’s not. This, whatever this is, doesn’t have any teeth. It’s just rolling my ass and legs around in its mouth. It’s running its hot, slimy tongue all over my thighs and basically sucking on my body like a Tootsie Pop.”
Then she closed her eyes. “Mildew, you’d better get me out of this thing. I’m starting to enjoy this more than I should.” She leaned back and gently bit her lower lip.
Mildew, recognizing the newly heightened danger of the situation, grabbed hold of her arms and placed his foot on the front of the monster’s body. With a wet ‘smack’ he pulled her free from the creature and they fell to the pavement. The monster stood there with its lips turned down in a pout. “Burrrrp!”
As they stood up, brushing the dirt and muck off themselves, Mildew asked, “Are you okay?”
She answered, “Well, yeah, except for now being half naked.” Wearing only her blouse and pantyhose she said, “I’ve not only lost my phone, but now my shoes and skirt are inside that thing.”
They watched the blob lick it’s huge lips and smile. Skanky added, “And now after what that thing just did to me, sex with a man will never be the same. Daaamn!”
Suddenly, from the alley entrance approached a dozen army soldiers marching single-file. They stepped to form a line between our heroes and the creature. Armed with automatic weapons, flamethrowers, and rocket launchers, they took aim at the monster. One of the soldiers spoke, “Stand back agents, we’ll handle this!” and before Mildew or Skanky could protest, the soldiers fired their weapons at the creature. After a few deafening moments, there was nothing left but burnt alien flesh splattered all over the alley.
Marching back out of the alley the soldiers smiled proudly and saluted the agents- their duty successfully fulfilled. Mildew waved his hand in the air trying to see through the smoke and said, “Yuck!”
Skanky had a sad look on her face as she said, “My shoes!”
As red flashing lights strobed the darkness, government agents and local law enforcement held curious locals and the media at a safe distance. Leaning against their ooze splattered rental car, Skanky stared at the ground and lamented,
“That was a brand new phone.”
Mildew noticed they were getting funny looks from the other agents around them and said to Skanky, “We should go. I think you’re sexy in pantyhose, but everyone’s staring.” Suddenly self-conscious, she tugged on the bottom of her blouse and got in the car.
As they prepared to leave, the cleanup crew arrived. Mildew marveled at the precision of the system in which he worked. “Who is it that calls these guys? And where do you find them? Do you thumb through the Government listings in the Yellow Pages for, ‘Alien road-kill’ removal?”
He and Skanky watched the big, white, panel truck with rear-mounted flood lights slowly back into the alley and up to what was left of the alien corpse. As the truck moved in reverse, instead of the usual “beep, beep” back-up warning, the familiar five note tune from Spielberg’s “Close Encounters” was heard.
There was a “Keep On Truckin’” sticker in the truck window and a sign on the door in official lettering that read:
Biological &
Inter-galactic,
Toxic
Contaminants,
Hazard
Elimination and
Sanitation
Skanky sat in the passenger seat wiping ooze from her hands with a tissue as Mildew said, “Man, how would you like to have that job?” He stared in morbid fascination at the truck and the mess to be cleaned up.
Having no more patience for his boyish sense of wonder, she rolled her eyes and said, “Mildew, I just want to go back to the hotel and take a hot bath. Can we go?”
Mildew started the car and continued his train of thought, “How would you like to work for an agency with the acronym, ‘BITCHES’?” He laughed, “Don’t you think that’s funny?” He continued to chuckle. “I mean, what’s it like to go to work knowing you’re thought of as a bitch?” He then looked at Skanky and said, “Oops! Sorry!”
She thought for a second, then fired an angry glare at him, “Just what the hell does that mean? Mildew? MILDEW?
Continuing their conversation, they drove down the street and out of frame. Fade to black. Roll credits.
Meanwhile back in the alley, the show might be over, but the work is not. The world may be safe again until next week, but there’s still the mess.
Now the un-sung heroes of Science Fiction go to work. These are the guys who follow behind the stars of Hollywood’s TV shows like the X-files and movies like Men In Black, cleaning up alien remains.
Two men wearing bright orange biohazard suits with gloves, hoods, goggles and respirators step out of the truck. They open the rear doors to reveal an array of shovels, hoses, scrapers, brooms, mops, buckets and gallon jugs of industrial cleaners and disinfectants.
Hanging by a string from the top of the door opening is a round, yellow, ‘happy-face’ air-freshener with almond shaped, alien eyes.
While half-dozen government agents got paid overtime to lean and watch, these two brave men shoveled the grizzly remains of the creature into fifty-five gallon drums. What they couldn’t scrape off the brick walls was removed with a high-pressure washer. After the mess was cleaned up, the entire area was sprayed with Lysol.
Finished with their distasteful chore, they loaded up three barrels of alien muck. They then climbed back into their air-conditioned vehicle. As they pulled away, they crank up the Metallica CD, and passed a fat, burning joint between them. It’s a long drive to the City Dump.